Oh, fvck this Oscars lark except that I rly, rly want Cheryl Hine's dress.
I have no idea who she is but lady, that is one bucketload of glittering coalface sparkle and I effing want it. Also in 'no idea who this is but nice sequins' news, Dale Dickey,
who must have struggled in primary school, with that name and has now risen above it in GLORIOUS SPANGLYVISION.
Further "dress reviews":Jennifer Hudson
looks hott except that she probably needed to Look Into Bras for that one or just... I don't know, not look like her tits had been flattened and pasted onto her collarbone. Sad times for an awesome fiery torrent of dress.Cate Blanchett appeared to dress as the magic mirror
for Florence Welch
to look into and both of them to be informed that for all this "most pale and interesting of them all" japing about, they will never be Tilda Swinton.Scarlett Johannsen
appears to have forgotten she lost tons of weight and now looks like Natalie Portman, so can't wear something that would look 20x better on Christina Hendricks. See also: purple is not happening even if you actually are Natalie Portman,
who appears to not be handling pregnant styling very well.
If your name is Busy Phillips
then do not take the Oscars red carpet as a moment to attempt to pull off an 'and by nature!' joke via your dress. If you're Mark Wahlberg's wife
, tho, then do what the fvck you like, as you seemingly look like a supermodel in a daisy-studded bathing suit and immense red sarong. Or whatever that is. Full points, lady.
Finally, although I am aroused by Mila Kunis' cold, dead stare
and can for totes see how she bought and wore this item as I covet it already, there is a reason we shouldn't be allowed to go shopping on our own, Mila. Clearly, you suffer from the same compulsion to head straight for lace and ruffles as I do and it's ok to admit you need help from more restrained people in order to choose a dress that doesn't make you look like a sexy loo roll holder. Oh god, it is gorgeous though and in that delicate, electric violet that doesn't suit anyone caucasian- oh, Mila, let us elope to the ribbons and lace factory and wear translucent, bandaged regency dresses all day.
Edit: oh god, it's even more beautiful from the back.
Marry me, Mila, we are clearly meant to be. The ceremony would be a suffocating mess of shredded brocade. ♥ She is so pretty. SO PRETTEH.
Also what hey, this is Jennifer Lawrence
? D00d, why are you dressed in a maxi version of Pamela Anderson's Baywatch gear?
Mind you, the actual key to success was, as always, being amazingly hott in the first place.
At which point it really doesn't matter if you're dressed as the offspring of an Aztec sun god and the Great Gatsby.